Author: Apprentice

On Vacation

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I am at oak Island, North Carolina.

My time is being taken up by showing my baby what sand is, enjoying the sand and sun myself, eating really good food, and generally relaxing a whole bunch.

You may have noticed that I did not upload a new episode. Even though I did have the time to record the next episode, I never finished editing it. I might be able to edit it when I get home saturday evening, or perhaps sunday. But I doubt it. The episode will go up when I finish it.

On the other hand, I do have a blog post (The Lily Story, chapter 3) already prepared and will have that out on thursday. I anticipate a good deal of time may be spent catching up and re-building my (painfully small) backlog. While I am doing that, I will probably put up more recent pictures of my adorable baby and probably some vacation pictures. And maybe a video of me locked in epic combat with a crab in a very cold swimming pool.

The Lily Story, Chapter 2: The News

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Like I may have mentioned before, Lily was quite a surprise (By the way, do not ever call a child a ‘mistake’. They are either planned or a surprise). We were not actively trying to have kids, we were on birth control, we were getting used to deflecting the ‘when will I get a grand-child’ questions. So the story of getting the news is a little dramatic. Well. Dramatic for me.

After she was done with a bout of stomach gastro-intestinal issues (which was confusing, long-term, and expensive) about a month went by without anything really happening in our life other than thinking “Man, paying off these bills is going to be awesome! Here comes an actually useful savings account!”

And then she started to get nauseous again, which was the primary symptom for her previous GI issues. So we waited a little while to see if it was temporary as her systems got back to a pre-medical-intervention state, or if we would have to go see a doctor specialist. Again. It was certainly much less severe than it had been, and her other presenting symptoms (notably: pain) were absent.

In case you can’t tell already, this was “morning sickness” (which I now know: it rarely, if ever, occurs consistently in the morning), and we just thought that our doctors would once again call for some strange tests.

During that week she basically ordered me to move our bedroom from the attic to the main floor of our home (we rent the 2nd floor and attic) and clean a whole bunch of stuff. This was a little out of character, but not really demanding or otherwise terrible.  Only… she normally doesn’t just tell me to do things. She usually asks. I also didn’t mind: house needed cleaned. Turns out, the “nesting instinct” is a very useful, very powerful urge that many women get when they are pregnant.

Then I went to a class/lecture thing that she had been planning on attending with me, but was instead too nauseous to leave the house. About halfway through the lecture I get a text message from her:

“So, I used that last pregnancy test…”

That’s it. That was the entire text of the message.

I am sure that her head was doing what mine was about to do (more on that next week in Chapter 3), and apparently she thought she was being pretty vague.

I read that text message really quick, and read it again. I put the phone back in my pocket. I Thought about it. Took it back out and read it again. Looked back at the speaker, and tried to focus. Couldn’t focus, too much baby in my head. Tried to not reveal to my friends sitting on either side of me that suddenly very deep emotions were stirring – like an earthquake on the pacific ocean’s floor that is about to make Hawaiians very sad. Almost failed. Got up, walked out of the building. Sat down under a tree in the parking lot, and called Amanda.

I don’t really remember the conversation really well, but there was a lot of “Hooooly crap.” and “What? You already told your mom and dad?” and “Haha, which word of the text message did you think was vague?” and some very brief plans of who we would be telling ASAP vs. later.

After that, my brain got all fuzzy.

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Episode will be late.

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The Episode of “==>” (pronounced “Equal Equal Greater Than”) that would normally go up Monday morning will be up later in the week.

I have the audio recorded but it needs editing, and this weekend was pretty busy.

I will probably have it finished by midnight Monday, but no promises – there is a reason I usually do this on the weekends.

In other news, I am going on vacation starting this coming Friday, and lasting for a week. I have no idea what this is going to do to my posting schedule, and it may even improve it as far as the blog posts go. But I am going to the same beach as a few hundred people that I have casual contact with….so writing and burying my face in a screen is probably not what I will want to do. I will probably be constantly showing off the newest addition to my family, swimming in the damn ocean and making a big goddamned sandcastle.

I’ve got a few posts just about ready in the “Lily Story” series, and a few ideas otherwise. Not sure how far that will get me. As always, let me know if you think of a great use for my website, a great idea for a post, or a great excuse to give me a million dollars. Seth.Kleinpaste@stumblestoryinn.com

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The Lily Story, Chapter 1: The Relationship

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In a previous post I mentioned how I was going to do a whole series on what it has been like becoming a father.

This post is about my wife: Amanda Kleinpaste, and our marriage.

Obviously, if the idea of you having children is anywhere near a possibility for you, then you have a relationship with someone – you know… Considering what traditionally needs to happen for babies to happen.

Amanda and I got married February 5th, 2011. We had no particular plans about having children except…you know. Eventually. When we got around to it. I suppose I was thinking that at some point we would figure out precisely when we wanted to have kids. We are busy people, though – and we are people in need of medical attention. Basically it was just something that we didn’t have time to seriously consider at any point.

and then last July, SURPRISE! BABY TIME! Lily decided that she was coming, period.

Amanda and I know each other. We trust each other. We are committed to each other. We have been shitty to each other in some deeply personal ways. We forgive each other for things. We keep doing the marriage thing.

I have exactly zero experience having children outside of marriage, but I already know that having them inside of marriage is goddamned terrifying. I have no idea what it must be like without a committed relationship.

I do have experience with one thing, though – being a child born into a marriage that ended. I know that things were difficult for them, and I know that they were difficult for me. It must have been very hard for them to make the decisions that they did. They made them, and they affected themselves and their children (myself and my two brothers).

And no matter how much I am currently thriving, I would never wish that situation upon young children. Knowing how much more  work Amanda had to put into normal every day tasks just because she was pregnant is… a little humbling. It’s on the same level as living with someone who recently got into a major car accident and are still recovering physically – she couldn’t stand up for long periods of time, putting on shoes occasionally presents a problem, there is daily pain and uncomfortability, etc., etc., etc.

I cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like to raise a child or three as a single parent. Not having someone that you can rely on for normal life stuff – venting, having fun, going out for drinks, whatever.

I am not entirely sure what exactly I am driving at here, only that my relationship with my wife really matters to me, especially when I start thinking about how I am raising Lily. Our daughter is going to be watching us, probably before we are aware that she can make real memories. The foundation of her trust in us is going to be associated with our ability to trust each other and maintain our relationship. If we do something wrong, then we need to work at repairing it, or Lily is going to learn that broken relationships are dealt with long term by ignoring it.

So, I guess what I am trying to say here is that Amanda is a critical piece of the “raising my daughter right” pie. Not only would it be biologically impossible without her, it would be mentally and stress-fully impossible to maintain basic operating parameters for life, much less sanity. If I didn’t have Amanda, then I wouldn’t feel confident about even taking care of a child 24/7, much less raising said child.

I am also saying that you should not try to raise a child without help. Holy shit, kids are expensive and incredibly stressful. There are government programs and charities and all sorts of other thing to help people in bad circumstances, but without a spouse, without friends? That would just be a nightmare.

And what’s crazy is that they are stressful in this way before they can even breathe by themselves. Amanda and I enjoy and rely on a wonderful support network that consists of dozens of generous people among our family and friends, and I don’t know what we would do without these people.

But the first level of that support network is each other, and if it weren’t, it would be  a cause of alarm. I love Amanda, and because I love her, I will work to make our relationship better. I love Lily, and because I love her, I will work to make my relationship with Amanda better.

[FINAL EDIT] I’ve been sitting on this post too long and I’m just posting what I have.

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Ep 3 Equal Equal Greater Than

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This is episode 3 of Equal Equal Greater Than, which brings us to the end of Act 1 (ending on this page). This episode is a little bit shorter, because I didn’t really realize how close I was to such a good stopping point.

I realized that my method of editing was a little bit strange especially at the end of last week’s episode – but that is what this whole thing is about, right? Me figuring out what I am doing with recording and editing. I’ve changed my methods a little and I’m not editing out some of what I thought were “pointless pauses”.

I will have a text-only post up soon, and I am hoping to get a schedule established for those. This one will be in the series of “The Lily Story”. I finally added an element to the infrastructure of my website that allows me to do it in the way I wanted to. There is also a post that I want to put up about how I do things and things I want to do for you (and perhaps, with you).

Also this episode brought me above the data cap for the lowest level of LibSyn service, So now I am spending a little bit more money on that. Which means that I have more data than I can reasonably use. Which means that I am going to more easily find things to publish. Like a “what I am thinking about my website/podcast” episode. Or a “here is my wife making a Pathfinder character” episode.

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Equal Equal Greater Than

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I’ve come up with a name for this podcast, “Equal Equal Greater Than”, which is specifically a reference to an element in the meta of MSpaintadventures.

This is Episode 2, and has Lily crying and being observed acting out her addiction to pacifiers, as well as Amanda folding laundry and running machinery.

I plan to have another non-podcast post up before the next podcast episode, and I plan to continue publishing the podcast every monday. I will have an RSS page for it up soon.

Lily Homestuck Podcast

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Here is the first episode of a new direction for my podcast (somewhat explained in the previous post).

The first 15 or so minutes talks generally about what this podcast will be (hopefully), as well as why and how I am changing direction – all mostly because I have a daughter now and she is an enormous time sink.

Then it gets into what I want this new podcast to be – Primarily (for me, secondarily for my listeners): An excuse to get behind the microphone, and using it. Primarily (for the listener, secondarily for me): A page-by-page description of the webcomic “Homestuck“, as if I am describing and reading it to my daughter.

If you want to download this to put on your listening device of choice, right-click the “download” link, and use “save as”. I have yet to get a solid RSS feed up for it, but I will be putting every episode in a feed once I get that all squared away.

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General Update

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I don’t know how many people actually use this website to keep up with what I am doing, But I figure I may as well let people know what I am doing most of the time.

My daughter is almost one month old. That is pretty much the number 1 thing in my life as far as time spent or emotional energy goes. She is getting pretty consistent at starting to sleep around 10-11pm, sleeping until 2 or 3, and then not falling asleep again until 5 – but staying asleep until Amanda and I are awake.

So…annoyingly awake at certain hours, but she is getting pretty consistent about it. Which makes it easier to plan around.

I am still working on the series of posts that talk about the whole “becoming a parent” thing. The next (first? I forget) will be up within the next week.

I am still working on podcast stuff – and I recently removed a pretty big mental block: I got a dynamic microphone, which allows me to record audio without building a thick blanket-fort around my computer to keep the noise from the busy street out.

The podcasts themselves…have changed direction. At least until I can manage my time better (or get more time, I suppose), it is going to be reduced to only a few things:
1 – Amanda is actually interested in playing Pathfinder, so I am recording that and will be putting some barely-edited portion of that online on a regular basis. This is now the main thrust of “Apprentice Game Master.”
2 – There is a pretty auspicious date coming up for a certain fandom, so on April 13th I will publish the first episode of describing a certain webcomic to my barely-conscious daughter. I am going to try to be very consistent with this, as it is mostly an exercise in comfortability with podcasting. Starting at 1 episode/week, hopefully increasing quite a bit.
3 – General nerd world stuff. Maybe the old categories of “apprentice storyteller,” and “Nerd’s apprentice,” will still be there, but probably lumped in with this general one.

I am trying to make more time to write – both short fiction (which will undoubtedly be very bad) and posts on this site – thought the temptation to talk about Lily is pretty severe. I will avoid it if I can (Spoiler – I can’t).

So, uh. Yeah. That is what is going on in my world (at least as regards to this website).

If you want to support me or this website, you can buy some stuff from amazon through this link – I get a portion of whatever you buy for a time after you click that link (you don’t even need to buy that particular thing). So if you were already going to buy something – buy it on Amazon instead, through me. Thanks!

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5 Years Ago

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I came across a screenshot where someone asked their audience (on tumblr or reddit or something) “Explain your current situation to your 5-years-ago self.” And it got me thinking about what’s happened between now and then.

Today, Seth, you used knowledge obtained during the study for your degree to help get your beautiful daughter to keep sleeping so that your strong wife wouldn’t be tempted to wake up and help you. And you went to go write on your website.

Yesterday was the first full day that your daughter was in the world, and you already knew the difference between a lonely cry and a “no, dad – something is actually wrong” cry.

Two days ago you witnessed actively helped your wife deliver your daughter – overcoming the hardest physical challenge that she has ever performed, undergoing so much stress and displaying so much active pain that other people in the room nearly fainted.

One week ago you went to bed, once again wondering when the wait for your daughter would be over.

A week and a half ago you visited a friend in the hospital – one who made the decision to undergo a very risky operation and could die on the table. You were a source of strength and comfort. You were amazed that someone less than one year older than you is mortal, much less about to die. (Note: she survived, but is still not well)

Two weeks ago you led a bible study – it didn’t turn out great, but the fact that you did at all was an accomplishment.

One month ago you had a couple who have an active 4-year old and 1.5 year old to stay at your small home on a weekend that you knew lots of family and friends would be demanding your time.

Six months ago you finally publicly announced that you and your wife were pregnant, while at the same time announcing that you have a personal website in development.

Eight months ago your wife told you that you are going to have a child.

Ten months ago your wife was finally cleared of her gastro-intestinal issues.

One year ago you started working on your website.

One and a half years ago, you moved in to you current apartment with your wife – marking the first serious change in your living condition since you got married to her.

Almost Two years ago you started a temporary position pushing paper that turned in to a serious job with benefits and paid time off.

Two and a half years ago you ended your search for a job. And you started of a series of jobs that you didn’t hold for total bullshit reasons.

Roughly three years ago you shoved your head so far up your ass that you couldn’t see the light of day, managing to break trust with some of the most important people in your life, in such a serious way that (for example) other people at your bible study couldn’t even rely on you to contribute meaningfully to the conversation, much less lead. This particular series of events messed with your head so badly that it also ruined your ability to properly fit memories next to each other in meaningful ways, so it might not be 3 years ago.

about three and a half years ago you finished your degree and started a search for a Real Job. Which was wildly unsuccessful.

Four years ago you married Amanda.

Five years ago you decided to marry Amanda, and followed that up by asking her father for permission.

Five years ago you were working part-time at Panera, attending a college that you weren’t 100% sure about how you were going to pay off, dating a woman who enjoyed NiN more than flowers, and generally not making much of yourself.

Five years ago is March 18th, 2010, and all of this is going to happen to you, and right now you are writing about it, on your own website, in your own apartment, 20 feet away from where your wife is feeding your child.

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Order of Events

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I am admitting defeat.

This website was started as an interesting hobby and it’s initial idea was to have a home for various podcasts and a blog.

My podcasts have sorta fizzled as they started, mostly because of changing life circumstances that force me to prioritize certain things over hobbies. The blog has sorta done that as well, except instead of fizzling it has turned into a ‘daddy blog’, I think.

The defeat that I refer to is that now I am just going to admit that I am mostly blogging about being a (new) dad. I still plan to write about other things, and there are a few things in queue. But I am going to write an entire series of posts detailing the last 9 months.

So, I am going to just let it happen – I will be talking about family stuff quite a bit, and let that be interspersed in my more nerdy stuff. Hopefully, the family blogging will get boring enough that I will want to write about something else.

I am also going to be recording every one of these posts and putting them into a miniseries of podcast episodes, probably with extra detail, and probably with a guest to talk about it… but very little post-processing (no music or anything, that is).

This list is going to be regularly edited to include the links to the posts themselves, and perhaps changing the titles as needed.

1. Relationship (Amanda)
2. The News (via text)
3. Immediately after the news (Fuzzy brain)
4. Dispersal of information and initial thoughts (telling the family)
5. Baby costs what?! (providing and prioritizing)
6. Nesting (prepping via instinct)
7. News for more people (friends, etc)
7.5 Reactions and others stories
8. Secrets and hatred (keeping the gender a secret)
9. Class
10. Impending doom
11. Symptoms and contractions
12. Comfortability with what may happen
13. Actually realizing that I will have a child – terror
13.5 who the child is and who it is not (asshole roommate, not focus of life)
14. Waiting, anxiety
15. The shower and other children (Especially Zach and Marlaina)
16. Cleaning and Support
17. A new person